True Love: The Will to Extend Oneself

True Love: The Will to Extend Oneself 

Love is one of the most profound and celebrated aspects of human existence—both in our relationships with others and with ourselves. Yet, its true nature is often misunderstood. Many see love as an emotion, an indescribable energy, or a force of attraction. But what if love is not just a feeling? What if it is a choice—an action shaped by our beliefs, whether subconscious or deliberate, that transcends mere affection?

What if we have been misled into believing that love is something that simply happens to us, when in reality, love is something we create, nurture, and fight for?

As Valentine’s Day approaches, I reflect on my twenties—a time of deep questioning about the true meaning of love. It wasn’t just about romantic relationships; it was about self-love, purpose, and standing up for what truly mattered. My Mother’s Mirror, authored by Sabrina Soffer, captures many painful yet transformative encounters that reshaped my understanding of both self-love and love for others. But it was The Road Less Traveled by Dr. Scott Peck that truly crystallized this journey. His words were a revelation:

“Love is not a feeling of euphoria, but the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”

Dr. Peck’s notion changes everything. Love is not passion, infatuation or the desperate need to be with someone. It is a conscious choice—the willingness to extend ourselves for the well-being of another. Love is responsibility, commitment, and the courage to uplift another, even when it is inconvenient or difficult.

The Crucial Question: Are You Supporting or Stifling Growth?

Too many people mistake love for control. They confuse passion with possession, affection with dominance. They justify toxic behaviors under the guise of “caring,” when in reality, they are binding others to their own fears and insecurities.

We must ask ourselves:

• Are we helping or hindering someone’s growth?
• Are we lifting others up, or are we holding them back to keep them close?

The Bible offers powerful guidance in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, defining love not as a fleeting emotion, but as a disciplined way of being:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”

The Biblical definition is not a passive love. It is an active, deliberate, and unshakable force. Love does not manipulate. It does not demand. It does not seek power over another. True love gives, serves, and elevates.

Love is Patience, Humility, and Action

“Love is patient” means we do not force, rush, or manipulate others into doing when they are not ready. Authentic love allows space for mistakes, growth, and transformation.

“Love is not proud” calls us to abandon ego. When we hurt others, we don’t justify our actions or shift blame. Instead, we take responsibility to show love:
“I’m truly sorry for what I did. What can I do to make it right?”

“It does not envy, it does not boast” reminds us that love is not about competition or superiority. Love does not resent another’s success; it celebrates it. Instead of feeling threatened, love says:
“You are amazing—I admire you. I want to learn from you.”

True love finds joy in another’s growth and triumphs.

Love Demands Growth, Not Comfort

Love is not about ease, comfort, or familiarity. It is about growth—sometimes painful, sometimes joyful, always demanding, yet undeniably essential. Dr. Peck and 1 Corinthians may use different words, but their wisdom remains the same:

Love requires patience, commitment, and humility—the willingness to extend ourselves for others.

It means giving others the freedom to evolve while offering steadfast support. It means choosing honesty over avoidance, responsibility over excuses, and difficult conversations over silence. It means ensuring that both people in a relationship feel valued, heard, and respected—not just with words, but with actions.

True love does not promote stagnation. It challenges us to become better. It demands accountability while also offering grace. It acknowledges human flaws but does not enable them.

Choosing Love as a Daily Discipline

Love is not something we “fall into.” It is something we choose—every single day. It requires intentionality: setting shared goals, aligning expectations, and fostering open communication. It is about showing up, even when it’s hard.

One simple yet transformative way to practice loving behavior is to ask:
“Is there anything I can do to make your day better?”

This is not just a question—it is a declaration of commitment. It is an acknowledgment that love is about service, about action, about stepping outside of ourselves to lighten the burden of another.

Love is Not Just a Feeling—It is a Way of Life

At the end of the day, true love is not about whispered words or grand romantic gestures. It is about the choices we make—every single day. It is about extending ourselves with patience, humility, and unwavering commitment to nurture the growth of another human soul.

This is love: a will, motivation, and personal responsibility to nurture another’s growth. 

Anything less is just a shadow.